390 Lovely Lane
London, England October 21, 1603 Duke Orsino: I Cannot Love You Dear Duke Orsino, I know that you love me dearly, and that you would do anything to make me happy. You seem like the perfect man to be my lover. However, I’ve come up with a final decision and I must simply put it this way: I cannot love you. As I’ve mentioned before, I will be in seven years of mourning my dead brother. During this time, I must not be distracted and become engaged with anyone. I want absolute peace in my household, and that doesn’t necessarily mean being depressed for the rest of my life. I do not need anyone to make me happy right now; I’m simply perfect the way I am. Although you look like you have the perfect body build to compliment with mine, I am not looking for men with simply a good build. I want a man who is hard-working, intelligent and courageous enough to do difficult tasks that women wouldn’t be able to do. I want someone who has a demanding, marvellous job and can support our family. In your letter, you have not mentioned any of these traits to me. You may not take me for granted and do anything for love, but what chores and jobs a lovesick man like you could do? You don’t seem like a very active person, and getting me to become your lover is your biggest dream? I absolutely dislike men who are lovesick on me, especially when I reject them a bunch of times. I cannot waste anymore time on love shenanigans. I am very sorry that I cannot love you, Mr. Orsino. I just don’t think that you are the perfect man for me, even though you are willing to do much for me. However, I might give it a second thought once my seven years of mourning is finished. I hope that you are not terribly disappointed. Sincerely, Olivia
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420 Lonely Lane
London, England October 14, 1603 Sir Andrew Aguecheek Should Be Gone From Your House Dear Miss Olivia, I know that you are a very busy woman, but I just want to warn you that Sir Toby has invited one of his friends, Sir Andrew Aguecheek, into your house, and he is disturbing the entire household! His behaviour and fooling around has given me a massive headache. I insist that he should be kicked out of your house. First of all, Sir Andrew is a very poorly educated man that cannot understand the language that we speak in the house. He questions on many of the words we say and even misuses them. When Sir Andrew came for the first time, Sir Toby told him to greet me by saying “accost, Sir Andrew, accost … My niece’s chambermaid”. He mistakenly thought my name was Mistress Accost and replies: “Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.” I even explained that my name is Mary, but he still called me “Mistress Mary Accost”! As you can see, Sir Andrew can’t communicate very well in our household. Furthermore, Sir Andrew and Sir Toby spend a lot of time together at nights and make a lot of noise. The two have quite a relationship with each other, but both of them are really rowdy. Sir Andrew has come every night late for drinking, chatting and entertaining with Sir Toby, while everyone else is trying to sleep. One night, the two of them and Feste were singing and chatting with each other very loudly. I entered the household and warned them about their disrespectful behaviour, but Sir Toby merely replied: “My lady’s a Cataian, we are politicians.” If Sir Andrew were gone, the house would be very peaceful and everyone could get some good sleep. Sir Andrew and Sir Toby should not be spending too much time together at home. Finally, Sir Andrew has a plan to become your lover and marry you. He would try to lure you into loving him and act very queer when you’re at home, and I know that you will marry no one during your seven years of mourning your dead brother. I overheard one of the conversations between Sir Toby and Sir Andrew, where Sir Andrew was about to give up his courtship with you by saying: “Your niece will not be seen; or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me. The count himself here hard by woos her.” Sir Toby tried to cheer him up by replying about the count never getting the chance to love her: “She’ll none o’ the count. She’ll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit. I have heard her swear’t. Tut, there’s life in’t, man.” Sir Andrew finally decided that he will stay at your household for another month! Imagine the craziness and confusion that you will have if you met him one day. To continue your seven years of mourning in peace, let Sir Andrew be kicked out of the house. As you can see, Sir Andrew is an unpleasant guest that should not be around your household. He is very dumbfounded, he disturbs everyone in your house along with Sir Toby, and he is trying to woo you into him. It would be pleasant if he were kicked out of the house. Your lady, Maria |